Last weekend the Elder came to visit, and to celebrate this fact, Fruit Cup joined us for a run around Portland multiple nights in a row. Friday saw us out until the wee hours with the Navy Gang from Seattle. Saturday we met up with Microbe and Vegas.
While imbibing of a cocktail at the Low Brow Lounge, I decided to order a pretzel. In my defense, it was advertised as “The Crack Pretzel” and the waiter advised us that I’d know what that meant when I was on the third one and craving a fourth. See, it was warm, soft, and stuffed with jalapeno cheese! How could I resist?
However, the experience took a turn for the strange: the side of my face, along my jaw and under my ear, swelled up rapidly upon eating this supposed culinary delight. It felt like a small mouse had been stuffed under my skin right at the joint of my jaw. It was tight to the touch and the others around the table nodded their observations that, yes indeed, that does look swollen.
A subdued panic ensued. The Elder inquired as to the exact ingredients of the pretzel (it’s, like, pretzel and like, fake cheese, man. With bits of jalapeno…), but this is not a help as I’m not allergic to anything. So we continued to sip our drinks and agree with each other that this was a rather strange event.
Within fifteen minutes the swelling had gone down. We continued on to our next haunt, again ordering a round of tasty libations, with some snacks for good measure. Again that mouse was inserted into my jaw. This time sans pretzel. And the drink was something entirely different.
Puzzlement all around.
A quick web search on symptoms pointed to the likely diagnosis of a Sialolith.basically a stone in the saliva duct.
What? This is a thing? This happens? I’ve already got one bizarre malady that crept up as age sets in, now I get another? Getting old is not fun, people. Anyone who tells you different is deluding themselves and trying to drag you in with ’em.
So Monday I make an appointment with a doctor. Tuesday I’m admitted. I describe the symptoms and he stops me before I’m even close to finished and says “yeah, got it, totally a salivary blockage”.
He proceeds to prod and probe my cheek and jaw with all the tenderness of a meat tenderizer, while telling me how “Scarface” Al Capone relates to this; how it was a common punishment to slice down someone’s face, severing the salivary duct so that every time this unfortunate person eats, drinks, or even THINKS about doing such will have swelling and pain at the least, and at the worst: oozing puss dripping down his cheek and inside his mouth.
Ladies and gentlemen: we have a bedside manner WINNER.
However, the good side of this is that his prescription is to put a hot compress on the outside of my face a couple times a day, and eat lemon drops constantly. This later order is in the hopes that the constant salivation will flush out whatever material is blocking my duct. My dentist might be at odds with that recommendation, but I’m not about to look a medically-prescribed horse in the mouth.
Especially not if it’s got a severed salivary duct. Ew.